So you think you're a conservative

I'm always called a liberal. By some family members, co-workers, etc., etc. Sometimes, no, often, this is not said in a complimentary tone. I wonder how, or why, this word became such a pejorative, how it came to represent a dismissal of an entire school of political thought. Any student of government will aver positively that the correct term for the type of government that the United States has is "liberal democracy", i.e., that individual rights are protected by law in that nation-state. (Such as a bill of rights...some democracies do not have those rights spelled out per se, as the United States does.) Of course, I'm living in the least educated portion of the country, and the most religious (odd how those always go together, not just here but overseas as well, such as Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia....but I digress) so I'm not going to accuse most of the people who say liberal as a slur of having any vestige of intelligence at all, but, a few are rather smart, so I suppose my comments here are more properly directed there.
So let's just talk about them, then. They state they are conservatives. Excellent! Let's bring up a few hot button issues - let's not shy from controversy here - and go right to the heart of the issues! You are a conservative, then. And a proud one. Let me tell you what that means.
You are against food stamps.
You are against WIC.
You are against Aid to Families with Dependent Children.
Now. A case can be made for this, as conservatives have bemoaned the welfare state since its creation. But to all my friends reading this......and to those who are proudly conservative....let me ask you, point blank. Have you or anyone you ever known needed any of these aids? I promise you, you know someone, or yourself perhaps, as a child. Maybe you don't? Have never needed it nor known anyone who does? Congratulations! According to the OMB, you are one of only 15 percent of Americans that it's never touched. Let's go further! Yay!
You are against Crippled Children's Insurance.
You are against Medicare!
You are actually, if you are a true conservative, against Social Security!
In the 30's, when Social Security was beginning, conservatives and business leaders (what a coalition, wow, what a surprise THOSE two were together) stood unified against its creation for the strain it would put on business to keep up with the extra paperwork, and warned darkly against inflationary problems. In the 60's, when LBJ was beginning to create Medicare, Crippled Children's, and the earlier mentioned WIC and AFDC, conservatives and business leaders (Wait. Let me stop. It's the same fucking crowd, saying the same fucking thing. "No, no, don't do anything, wait and see, don't try anything, no no no.") There are, of course, variations of the conservative theme, but - well....no, no there aren't, not really. I couldn't even say that with a straight face. To continue -
You are against worker's compensation!
You are against unemployment insurance!
You are against disability benefits and federal employment discrimination statues!
Now here's a BIG bone of contention. Have any of you who DIDN'T need any of the previous federal programs ever needed any of these? Ever been hurt on the job? Ever been laid off??? Hmm......somehow I just bet that if you WERE in the 15 percent mention earlier, you aren't now...come on.....tell me honestly......hm?
Oh, I know what you'll say.....that your conservative shell is not that hard, and that you acknowledge that ON OCCASION some of these programs might have merit......but that what you are against is the abuse of the system that some make a way of life, and want it reformed.
Three things here.
One: You just admitted that "liberal" programs CAN and DO have a place in American life. Was that so fucking hard?
Two: You aren't as conservative as you thought you were....try not to faint.
Three: Welfare WAS reformed.....by Bill Clinton.
Eek. Are you looking about for Rush? Well, let's look at some more things you would have been against, you faithful conservative you, you true patriot, you red-blooded American you!
You would have been against the Rural Electrification Act and TVA.
You would have been against space exploration.
You would have been against World War II. (And World War I as well.)
Conservatives argued that the government had no business subsidizing the electric industry in rural areas, that it should have been the purview of the private sector. Let me assure you that the private sector was in a rush to do it, too....about as big as they were to get cable television to places like Eastview, Tennessee (which STILL doesn't have it) so I'm sure, good conservative that you were, you would be content if it still wasn't available, as long as the saintly private sector was untouched. TVA was seen as a pork jobs act. I gotta be honest here, living where I do, I'm SO like, for TVA. But I'm a stupid liberal who enjoys lights, air conditioning and internet. Space exploration was deemed too expensive and a stupid waste of taxpayer money (until the Commies put one up first, then conservatives roared with rage) Conservatives toed the isolationist line in both World Wars, and were particularly vehement about it in the 1930's, dismissing complaints about religious persecution in certain parts of Europe as (this will be familiar) "just a bunch of that Ivy League Elitist crowd again, just some New York Jews, stirring a bunch of trouble over nothing". Oh, those troublesome people who have a good education and who have concerns over religious freedoms!!!! How DARE those liberals make noise! (Of course, after 1945, even THOSE conservatives shut up. In fact, that's just too embarrassing to even throw in their faces....I'll just let that go.)
Just how conservative are you now? In fact, let me pose another question to you.....just exactly what throughout United States History have conservatives ever been FOR???
Creation of the Federal Reserve System? No.
Passage of the Sherman Anti-Trust Act? No.
It's almost depressing. No, it IS depressing. And sad. You trumpet your conservative credentials so loudly and wave the flag so proudly and talk about our great brave troops and ignore this set of facts:
The President during World War One was Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat.
The President during World War Two was FDR, and then Harry Truman, both Democrats.
The Korean War was mostly fought under Truman - Eisenhauer (Republican) negotiated an armistice, which means of course that 60 years later, we still have troops sitting there.
Vietnam was initiated by JFK and fought by LBJ - both Democrats - until the drawdown was started by Nixon and we evacuated in a panic under Ford - both Republicans.
Reagan managed to bomb one site in Libya one night.
Bush managed Iraq I. (And left Hussein in power)
And of course, George W managed Iraq II and Afghanistan.
You know, on the basis of pure historical fact, I'd have to say that Democrats are a hell of a lot better at winning wars.
More than anything else, I hope that stings enough to make you look at your political ideology.
So that leaves us with current affairs. Conservatives now are for a balanced budget. They weren't during the Reagan-Bush years, or from 2000 to 2006, but now all of a sudden they are again. There WAS a president who could balance a budget and pay down the deficit....
Bill Clinton. Again, fact.
Is it fair to ask if conservatives have ANY ideology that they stand faithfully behind? Well, they hate gays, on the basis of 2,000 year old dogma. (Unless, of course, it's 2006, when I can't even turn on my TV without tripping over another gay Republican in a high office who's having affairs with male interns...or some such.) They can't really decide if they are conservative Evangelicals who consistently vote to ban liquor on rural referendums or who are the "SUV conservatives" who shoot craps at Tunica and who have no idea that the notion of the Rapture didn't even exist as religious teaching until the mid 1800's.
Abortion? Yep, they're against it.......unless you'd be Dan Quayle, who admits on Larry King that it's a personal decision, or Sarah Palin, who applaudes her daughter for making the right "decision", yep, that word again......
Law and Order, that great, last, conservative bastion......ever had a police officer shoot an unarmed person that you cared about? What ticket did that officer end up running for Sheriff on.......and it most certainly was NOT a liberal who fired someone you might know for playing a gay role in a movie......
What are you conservative about? What???? Give me one reason.....one.....because while you're thumping your bible and playing with your rebel flag, I'm going to defend your right to do it.
The only thing most of you have ever risked enough to defend was the right to have a "cheerforce" sticker, with a child probably named "Kayleigh" on the back of your Escalade. Conservative huh.....let's see how conservative you are when "Kayleigh" gets knocked up by LaTrone the basketball player...
I bet your ass has that girl headed to Memphis so fast you don't even have time to think of the word "hypocrite".
Or maybe it's not a bet, and I already know of what I speak.